A steady boyfriend and eight months later, I understand what she feels—and I reevaluate my thinking. You see, you really cannot disregard jealousy, fear and insecurity in a relationship. As Sara Sidle of CSI said, “Each of us has a jealousy gene.” Its true, we all have one, whether we like it or not.

I always prided myself as a strong and independent person, back in the days when I do not have any stable relationship, or I just do not have any relationship at all. And now I look back and think where I got that notion, what book I read that made me realize that, or what movie I saw that gave me that insight.

And truthfully, I can’t remember.

When you are in a relationship, it is not a sin to be possessive. Because, after all, you invest in that person—time, emotions, money, dreams and your well-being. And no matter how understanding you are, it sucks to know that all your efforts may not be enough to ensure that your “special someone” stays with you through thick and thin. It galls to think that your efforts are put to waste just because there is another person out there sexier, wittier, or funnier than you are. And it’s frustrating to think that despite your best efforts to look good for your “special someone”, their eyes will always be drawn to someone else other than you.

Now, that is what I call a very pessimistic undertaking of the topic.

A part of me agrees in this kind of thinking, for I was, and though hard to admit, am, still somewhat experiencing this kind of struggle. Yet, a major part of me disagrees, for I also belong to the other end of the line—the “special someone” who dared to look, and admire someone else.

I almost fought with my boyfriend because I became jealous of one of his officemates. I thought, and believed at that time that the girl will be able to snatch him from me because they stay in the same office and see each other in his waking hours, as opposed to me who can only snatch snippets of his waking hours (which about sums up to 2-3 hours before he sleeps). And this is despite the fact that he always confesses his love for me and his affection for me didn’t lessen even though he met that girl. I went from subtly telling him of consequences (that the time may come when he will fall for her or vice-versa), to personally requesting that he limit their engagement to the office and that they should not text each other anymore if they are not at work, down to bluntly asking him to introduce me to the girl so I may determine if the girl likes him or not.

In the end, it was a precious waste of time, effort, and emotions.

Did it work? Obviously not.

They are still close. In fact, he even has a picture of the two of them together in his phone, two pictures of them actually—and even had those printed out. They also still send messages to each other, during, before, and after work. So I ask myself, why can’t he do as I requested? Is it because he appreciates the fact that even though he is already with me, he can still have the affections of someone else? Is it because he wants to have a potential back up if things do not work out between us?

Well, I can choose to rack my brains trying to answer questions I have no way of knowing so I just did what is obviously available to me—look at myself in the mirror.

Then it hit me. I love my boyfriend, true. But wait! There is this guy at the pantry that I keep hoping to see during my break. The same guy I say looks like Freddie Prince who, in his own way, makes my day a little less dragging and makes my break interesting. And of course, there’s this guy who courted me back in college who I want to see each time I go back to the province for a little vacation. And let’s not forget this guy who I expect a text or two from, at one time or another.

Infidelity?

I’ll go through lengths just to say NO. I did not cheat on my boyfriend by wanting to see someone, or by expecting communication from someone. It was just a want, something out of the ordinary. But I do not love any of those guys. And that’s when it all made sense. I can like these feelers—I can look at this guy at the office as long as I want, I can text this guy for days or months—but, at the end of the day, I run back to only one guy—my boyfriend. For despite all these men, he is the one I love, the one I want to be with, the one I want to spend my life with.

I also realized that I have my own limits, and I have my own ways of knowing my limits. I know when to say that what I’m doing is already inappropriate because I know when my conscience disagrees. I know when I go beyond my principles in having a relationship because it’s eating something in me, it starts to interfere with my dealings with my “special someone”. And he has his way of knowing his own limits, his own measurement and principles of propriety and decency towards our relationship . So why should I measure myself with his ways? Why should I weigh him against my own principles? Should I accuse him of infidelity just because he texts this girl and I don’t do that with this other guy? No. Should he accuse me of infidelity because there is someone else who I like looking at? Again, the answer is no.

Each one of us has his/her own jealousy gene. And just like ordinary genes, each one is unique. I cannot justify my actions based on his perception, nor can I understand his reasons based on my measurement. What I can do, though, is to believe in him, and believe that what we have is enough for us to stay together.

In the end, it all boils down to trust. Of course, its impossible to rely your whole life on absolute trust, but giving that “special someone” leeway is important. I want him to trust me. I want him to know what I am doing so that he will know where my boundaries lie and how far I can go. And he wants me to do the same for him, even if he doesn’t say it out loud, else he would have just kept silent about these things.

It’s not an easy thing to trust, especially in this type of relationship when its your future that you are bargaining with that person. But then again, that “special someone” chose to bargain his future and time as well, just to be with you. Each time you feel bad about something that your mind categorizes as unfair or wrong, put yourself in that other person’s shoes, or better yet, look at yourself in the mirror, and see what action of yours is equivalent to, or falls in the same category as that—then you’ll understand.

 In the end, what remains is the hope that what you have already built together will last, that you’ll get to know him/her better and he/she wouldn’t really cheat on you, that what you have is more precious than anything he/she will find with someone else. In short, believe that whoever you’re with right now is your destined one, your soul mate—you wont be complete without him or her, and that “special someone” wont be complete without you either.

Or else all hell will break loose… as the saying goes… ^__^